Strong...on the outside

This was a week before I lost my twins. We were soooo happy here.

I had a friend ask me recently if I was going to a mutual friends baby shower. I said I was. She wasn't sure she could. She joined the sisterhood not too long ago. She joined the group that none of us wants to be part of. She asked me how am I so strong? Hmmm...I said I must be the best actress on earth if she thinks I'm strong.

I seem strong, but I hate commercials of happy couples with their cooing babies. I become a bitter shrew.

I seem strong, but for each baby shower I go to, I am emotionally and spiritually battered. For days following, I spiral out of control. I sob uncontrollably, I scream and ask why? I curl into the fetal position and rock back and forth trying to comfort myself.

I seem strong, but throughout the year there are the "anniversaries". Anniversaries of when I first found out I was pregnant. When I found out I was having another miscarriage. When my many children should have been born.

I seem strong, but I sometimes dread going on my Facebook home page. I know that there is the chance I am going to see "Guess what?? I'm pregnant!!"  Or the Weekly Pregnancy Countdown. Or the ultrasound profile pic. Or the pic of the family gathered around the newborn in the hospital. Or the christening pic. Or the baby's first Halloween outfit. Or the baby's first Christmas. Or the baby's first birthday party. The first of.....everything

I seem strong, but it crushes me to shop for baby gifts and not break down in the store. Will the lady next to me with the baby registry in her hand stare at me or walk away? Will she understand why I look like I'm having an anxiety attack? Because I am.

I seem strong, but I am devastated to go to birthday parties where everyone brings their children to a themed party and I am the only one that doesn't have children to bring. I am nearly brought to my knees each time I open the door at Halloween and see the dozens of adorable kids in their costumes asking for treats in their sweet little voices. I wonder what I would have dressed my children as. Christmas and Easter...I dream of the beautiful outfits I would have picked out for my children. I video children opening their gifts and the squeals of delight at what they received. But they are never MY children.

I seem strong, but each day is another day I am without children. My greatest fear is that I will finish my time on this earth never having given my husband a child. My greatest frustration is when I am told that something will happen. Well, things have happened. I lost 7 children. My first 5 were early on. The last two I had to give birth to 24 hours apart. I felt them move in my body and I felt them as they left it. I felt like I wasn't strong. I felt like I didn't protect them even though I fought so hard for them.

I SEEM strong...

**Some might be offended** and for those that are, I don't care...

I know that everyone is focused on the hurricane. I am not taking it lightly, but for me its overshadowed by sadness. My Aunt passed away today after a brave and courageous battle with cancer. I know many of you can relate since everyone has suffered a loss from some form of cancer.

Little backstory: My Aunt is the eldest of five siblings. My Mom is the youngest. My aunts & uncles lost their parents very young. My Mom was 17 when her mother passed and was 27 when she lost her father. To this day, many of them are still trying to come to terms with their emotions and regrets. My mother was able to see her sister in July. She, and my two aunts (both named Pat!) went to see her and help give support and comfort to the family. The week they went down was the week of my birthday. (Ok here comes the ranting and raving and verbal smackdown)

Originally, I wanted to take off the week of my birthday because my husband wanted to take me away. As many of you know I was employed in an office at the time. I was told I could not take off because someone else in the office was off that week. Umm..k. I was informed by the "office manager/gestapo" that office policy was no two individuals could take off at the same time. Now mind you, the other individual was a medical transcriptionist. The ONLY medical transcriptionist. She did not do my job and I did not do hers. Our mutual absence would not have affected each other or the normal dysfunction...I mean function of the office. My boss was away so there was the addition of downtime. My husband told me that we could go away another time, that I should go & be with my mother and family. Still I was denied. My heart broke knowing my mother and my two Aunts were there and I couldnt be with them. The heartbreak that they were dealing with was compounded by some terrifying events they encountered while they were there. I was so angry when my Mom got home and relayed the stories of her time there. I was incensed that I couldn't be there to comfort or protect her. I am fierce when it comes to my family.

So, fast-forward to the final week of my employment with the dysfunctional...sorry, the office. Wouldn't you know it, two people were off...ON THE SAME WEEK!!! One was a nurse and one was a billing person. Again, each did not affect each other or the dysfunction....damn it...function of the office.

The loss of my Aunt is coupled with the anger that I was denied the time to see her one last time and tell her how much I love her. All because I was not a sheep in the herd the "office manager/gestapo" had created. My next post I will devote to my musings on Dysfunction in the Workplace, well at least the dysfunctional place I was employed.

Aunt Joan, thank you for your kindness to me when I was going thru my divorce. Even though we were many states away from each other, you made me feel that you were only a hug away. Thank you for your love and support you gave John and I when we were reeling from the many losses of our children. I pray for peace and comfort for Uncle Ray, Raymond and Candace. I know now that you are with your Mom and Dad and they have embraced you with open arms...just like you have done for all of us. I love you...until we meet again <3

Trying to Release

This was written a few years ago. I updated it to reflect the additional losses I have had, but my feelings of heartbreak remain...

·         I am writing this for no other reason than to release it from my heart. I am still trying to come to terms with the loss of my 7 babies. It’s still hard to see a pregnant woman, knowing that I am not. It’s hard to see a woman holding a newborn and her gaze into her child’s eyes is of pure love and amazement, and my arms are empty.  I have endured thousands of injections, at least a hundred internal ultrasounds, hundreds of blood work. In the past 5 years I have been put under anesthesia at least a dozen times. I have been to the emergency room 3 times in one year. I have not done any of this blindly. I am also writing this to help others like me. If you happen to know anyone that is going thru this, I would like to give you advice as to what to say to them.  *Please don’t ignore them. By you not acknowledging them or their feelings they feel isolated. They may feel you don’t care or think it’s such a big deal. I’m sure that’s not how you feel.  My cousin said to me that she was so sorry for what I was going thru. She was upset because she knew that nothing she said was going to make it better, but she wanted me to know that she was there if I ever needed to talk. Sometimes that’s all we need. Someone to say I’m sorry and to let us talk if we open up. Don’t try to change the subject because you feel that it might upset us talking about it. We don’t expect you to solve anything. We just need a compassionate shoulder.

 *Please try to not say the following even though we know you mean well: It's for the best, everything happens for a reason, don’t worry-Although these are meant to lighten things up, I must be honest when I heard it, it pissed me off. How can the fact that I have had 5 miscarriages in a row and lost my twin girls 5 months into my pregnancy be for the best? And what reason could there be to go thru this heartbreak? Don’t worry? If you can tell me how to do that I would really appreciate it.
 *If you have children, please try not to say this: You don’t have to give birth to be a mother-Its easy to say when you have biological children. We won’t have that experience. Would you feel that way if someone told you that you would never have your own children? This was meant for me to vent and to help my sisters that are in this battle with me. Every once in a while ask us how we're doing and be open to hear what we have to say. You don’t have to have the right thing to say, just the heart and shoulder that’s in the right place. Thank you