Trying to Release

This was written a few years ago. I updated it to reflect the additional losses I have had, but my feelings of heartbreak remain...

·         I am writing this for no other reason than to release it from my heart. I am still trying to come to terms with the loss of my 7 babies. It’s still hard to see a pregnant woman, knowing that I am not. It’s hard to see a woman holding a newborn and her gaze into her child’s eyes is of pure love and amazement, and my arms are empty.  I have endured thousands of injections, at least a hundred internal ultrasounds, hundreds of blood work. In the past 5 years I have been put under anesthesia at least a dozen times. I have been to the emergency room 3 times in one year. I have not done any of this blindly. I am also writing this to help others like me. If you happen to know anyone that is going thru this, I would like to give you advice as to what to say to them.  *Please don’t ignore them. By you not acknowledging them or their feelings they feel isolated. They may feel you don’t care or think it’s such a big deal. I’m sure that’s not how you feel.  My cousin said to me that she was so sorry for what I was going thru. She was upset because she knew that nothing she said was going to make it better, but she wanted me to know that she was there if I ever needed to talk. Sometimes that’s all we need. Someone to say I’m sorry and to let us talk if we open up. Don’t try to change the subject because you feel that it might upset us talking about it. We don’t expect you to solve anything. We just need a compassionate shoulder.

 *Please try to not say the following even though we know you mean well: It's for the best, everything happens for a reason, don’t worry-Although these are meant to lighten things up, I must be honest when I heard it, it pissed me off. How can the fact that I have had 5 miscarriages in a row and lost my twin girls 5 months into my pregnancy be for the best? And what reason could there be to go thru this heartbreak? Don’t worry? If you can tell me how to do that I would really appreciate it.
 *If you have children, please try not to say this: You don’t have to give birth to be a mother-Its easy to say when you have biological children. We won’t have that experience. Would you feel that way if someone told you that you would never have your own children? This was meant for me to vent and to help my sisters that are in this battle with me. Every once in a while ask us how we're doing and be open to hear what we have to say. You don’t have to have the right thing to say, just the heart and shoulder that’s in the right place. Thank you